Sometimes I feel like I should apologize (for who I am).

I am sorry I am a little neurotic and random.
I am sorry that I sometimes have a negative view on life.
I am sorry that I didn't do better in college and am now paying for it.
I am sorry that sometimes my low and high blood sugars control my mood.
I am sorry I suffer from depression, a deep silent killer that wears me down daily, I'm sorry.
I am sorry I wasn't strong enough to see as a teen that I was letting diabetes get the better of me, along with everything else that happened in those years.
I am sorry that I find it hard to manage my diabetes.
I am sorry that I am not better at it.
I am sorry that it can consume me on days and exhaust all of my being.
I am sorry that I detach myself from others because I feel they don't understand.
I am sorry that to the above statement I want to finish with the comment, "But, really, unless you're living it, you don't understand."
I am sorry I don't thank those close to me nearly enough for all your help and all you put up with. I'm working on that.
I am sorry my sister feels she will have to donate a kidney to me one day.
I am sorry my Mom cries when talking about the day I was diagnosed and the worry she feels for me every day.
I am sorry I feel so alone and can't reach out to those closest to me and mend that feeling.
I am sorry I never talked to anyone about it and still find it difficult to do so. I am sorry.

Please forgive me; for all this and any future errors or mistakes I may make. I am only a young woman, trying to find her place in this world and work with her disease. Late is better than never, right?

Late but fun Meme

I may be a few days late but its still fun!

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
ugggg, I should do something with my hair

2. How much cash do you have on you?
cash, what cash? I may have some spare change...

3. What's a word that rhymes with DOOR?
Bore

4. Favorite planet?
Earth

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
KK my sister

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Ringtone 10 - its this odd calming tune, but I don't use it because I'd never realize that my phone was ringing.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
Merona scoop neck 3/4 sleeve in cream

8. Do you label yourself?
sometimes yes

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing:
Mossimo (what can I say I love Target)

10. Bright or Dark Room?
bright

12. Why is there always a missing question?
what missing question?

13. What does your watch look like?
I actually don't wear a watch, I carry a pump and a cell phone

14. What were you doing at midnight last night?
just getting to bed

15. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
"u luv her" from my sister about her cat that leaves evil piles of litter out side the litter box

16. Where is your nearest 7-11?
no clue, do we even have those in MN??

17. What's a word that you say a lot?
particular or really

18. Who told you he/she loved you last?
my madre

19. Last furry thing you touched?
My sister's cat - Peachie!

20. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
good ol' Novolog, I don't think I even took painkillers!

21. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
none, but there are a lot of digital pics that we need to print!

22. Favorite age you have been so far?
24

23. Your worst enemy?
Umm, not sure, maybe my pancreas??

24. What is your current desktop picture?
no pic -- we can't have them at work and my home computer is on the fritz like my car

25. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"Thank you for calling, have a nice day"--at work, or in a conversation I willingly started, "yea, the Vikings as people aren't the greatest..."

26. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, what would it be?
I'm going for the "gold"

27. Do you like someone?
Well, I love my BF but I also have this odd facination with my Endo...

28. The last song you listened to?
In Gods Hands by Nelly Furtado

29. What time of day were you born?
4:11am

30. What's your favorite number?
7

31. Where did you live in 1987?
I think West St. Paul, MN in "The Bungalow"

32. Are you jealous of anyone?
Natalie Portman! She is a movie star, beautiful woman and she is now going to an ivy league college; she's got it made.

33. Is anyone jealous of you?
not that I know of, but I couldn't imagine why one would be

34. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
In my dorm room just waking up. It was crazy, classes were canceled that day and we sat watching the news and then there was a lot of conversation on who was behind it, why, and the shock.

35. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
try pushing the button multiple times then accept defeat and sigh deeply

36. Do you consider yourself kind?
Yes

37. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
on my neck or wrists or by my right hip

38. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
French or Latin

39. Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes

40. Are you touchy-feely?
Not with people; I am with animals and when I shop, I like to grab things and put them back or admire them

41. What's your life motto?
I don't exactly have one grand sweeping motto for my life, just little motivational boosters

42. Name three things you have on you at all times:
minimed pump/glucometer, ID, my WF Visa Debit Card

43. What's your favorite town/city?
I really liked Salem and Boston!

44. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Diet Coke from vending machine at work. Other wise, I paid my sister in cash for our shared car insurance last month

45. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
at the end of my junior year in high school ...

46. Can you change the oil on a car?
no, probably not, it seems simple enough but I tend to break things and I'd hate to mess things up (more) with my car!

47. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
Still with him - He just told me he wants to get a new job and he is willing to pick me up from work tonight

48. How far back do you know your ancestry?
great-grandparents

49. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
I wore a strappy, empire waist dress that was a natural brown color for a wedding I attended with Jason (my boyfriend) June 9th.

50. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
my neck and head, I always have a headache it seems...

51. Have you ever been burned by love?
I have been deeply hurt by what I thought was love, but I see in hind sight that it wasn't love

52. Do you have a crush on any bloggers?
No, but I am finding new fascinating blogs every day so that could change I suppose :D

53. Where would you like to live?
I am torn between MN, AZ and somewhere on the east coast, but I haven't visited enough places I am interested in to be able to say "HERE is where I want to live"

And yet again the vial gets to me...

This isn't working. Look:

It is large and the vial is difficult to get to. This is the "new" glucometer case that BD sent me to accommodate for the larger vial. It just doesn't work. The strip touches the case when the meter is left in the case and is tilited up a little from the case getting in the way.Ok, maybe I am expecting too much from them, I mean, you have to be able to get your whole finger in a vial to get the test strip out, of course!
None the less I am so disappointed in this change. It is inconvenient and becoming a hassle to test my blood sugar. When testing becomes inconvenient and frustrating I tend not to do it and I can see that happening as I sit here fuming at this terrible design. I don't want to test. Just looking at the case pisses me off. Let alone trying to maneuver the strip vial or the actual glucometer so that I can fit the strip in the meter with out having to take the meter out of the case, a task which I am sure will not be accomplished, but I'll try it for the next day or so.

I really am just fuming at this and I am trying to determine why. Is it because of the larger vial and thus the larger case, yes...

But at the root of it is that this new design for the meter that accommodates my pump which revolutionized my diabetes management is discouraging me from testing. For the last 19 months I was finally able to do what took me 12 years to accomplish - testing freely, openly, many many times a day. I did that when I was first diagnosed and for the first few years but then, around the age of 12 or 13 I just stopped testing as often as I knew I should. Maybe it was that damn adolescent time, probably it was my way of acting out with out anyone but me and my doctor knowing. But it was a hard hurtle for me to leap to test as often as I have been since I got the pump. This change is reminding me of why I didn't like to test all those years, it was inconvenient. That wasn't the only reason I know, but it was a part of it. And I don't want to be in that place again of not testing, not wanting to test.

There it is in a rather large nutshell. It discourages me from testing. Now I just need to figure out how to get over it...

Inspiring Massachusetts!

Whew! The last week, no more like two, have just been crazy!! First there was Taylor's wedding which took a lot of time and energy. Then we went to Massachusetts last week for a mini vacation and another wedding. We had so much fun and saw so much! I have to say that Massachusetts is a very green place, not that MN isn't but our green is a yellow-green or medium green but in MA it was vibrant green all over and there were so many sights and trees everywhere!

There were two things, okay many more, but the two things that really stand out this very second were seeing the sun rise at Winter Island Park in Salem, MA and seeing the grave of Sam Adams (gasp!). There were many graves that we saw while in Salem and in Boston, but Sam Adams' resting site really hit me hard. A founding father of our country, organizer of the Boston Tea Party, one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence, and so much more. I can't even begin to speak about Sam Adams there is just too much, and I was never good at history (although I would like to think I am getting better at understanding and remembering it now versus when I was in high school...).

I can say that seeing his grave has sparked a new interest in me to revisit American history which I was never interested in before; I knew to appreciate it and honor our historical background because it gives us what we have today - our freedom, our nation, our life and all the opportunity one can dream of! Also, our next National holiday is approaching and it only seems appropriate to recollect on such things.

So, in an odd tangent away from diabetes, wow to Sam Adams and all our founding fathers. Thank you Boston and Salem! And man! was it inspiring and fun to visit!!

How did that happen?!?

I was at the wedding reception until about 11PM Friday night. I had a slight low of 72 with great tiredness around 9PM and treated it with regular root beer then nibbled on M&Ms the rest of the night before going home. I didn't test after treating the low, figuring that about 6 ounces of regular soda would cover it, and I didn't test before I went to bed at 12:30. Man, I was just super tired and exhausted and hadn't drank (but for a glass of wine for the toast) so I wasn't worried about my sugar dropping low again.

I should have known better when I woke up at 5AM needing to use the bathroom. As I opened my bedroom door I was physically startled by all the people in my living room and the photographers from the wedding were waiting for me to rise and open a new roll of toilet paper.

- click- click- click -

"Just act like we aren't here!" exclaimed photographer A as I stumbled, confused, into my bathroom.

Okay, I guess its always fun to have a sun rise shot of the maid of honor, in her PJs, opening a new roll of toilet paper for a wedding album. I think to myself. Wait...that makes NO SENSE.

I finish going to the bathroom and slowly open the bathroom door and again its as though the wedding reception was continuing in my living room. It isn't even my wedding!

Now I am getting scared. I stumble over to the sofa in my living room and sit down looking out the window at the rising sun. Its so pretty, I think to myself, I would want sunrise pictures in my wedding album. But Taylor wouldn't, I don't think, so what is going on? I sat there for a few more minutes until the people faded and my living room was vacant. Slowly, I begin to remember that before I awoke to use the bathroom I was dreaming about the wedding. Ahhh, that must have been why I was startled when I went to the bathroom, I wasn't fully awake. And with that conclusion I drifted back to bed.

Jason asks me, "Did you test?"

"Yea it was 138."

But I didn't test. In the dream before going to the bathroom I tested, because at the wedding I tested and it was 138.

An hour and a half later I am having another crazy dream with Jason, Krystle (my sister) trying to figure out what was wrong with me and Nick (Krystle's future fiance) coming downstairs to see whats wrong.

"Amber's having a seizure" she says.

Nick leaves.

Its all a dream, I think, its all a bad dream.

Jason and Krystle are trying to find my meter and get the test strips. The code is different on the meter than the test strip vial.

"Amber how do you change the code?"

It's really easy guys,"Use the arrows." I think or say or a combination of both (I later was told I only said what I put in quotes).

They figured out the code, and were ready to test my glucose. She asks me what finger I want them to use. I don't respond so she takes my ring finger from my left hand, it used to be the only finger I tested with until recently. As she readies the poker I tell her, "No," and switch to the new testing finger, my middle finger, on my left hand. I don't remember that part but I do remember the reading - 63.

Jeeze guys, thats fine! Just get me some juice. What was all the big fuss about?

Then something becomes more real to me.

"What just happened?"

"You had a seizure. We gave you Glucagon."

Krystle is reading the long instructions from the glucagon kit frantically and talking aloud about how she isn't sure if I am supposed to go to the ER or not; Jason looks a little irritated but calmer than he was in my crazy dream.

"It says she needs something with actual carbs in it so she doesn't drop low again." Krystle says then shes gone and what feels like a moment later she is handing me a glass of chocolate milk telling me, "Drink."

I don't remember getting the shot but I remember parts, why do I remember parts? Why isn't my tongue all bitten and swollen? How did that happen? None of it makes sense.

I am still very confused and conflicted about last Saturday morning. I have no idea how it happened. I can see where I made mistakes - not testing before bed, not testing when I got up at 5AM. But I still don't understand. I also don't understand why it didn't even occur to me to check my glucose when I went to the bathroom. Usually anytime I am woken up to use the bathroom I at least think of testing if not actually test for fear of something being wrong. But this time it never entered my mind. I don't know why I physically reacted to what I thought was my dream coming to life.

I don't know and its just so frightening.

Sigh...

On a MUCH lighter note I am in Salem, MA today and tomorrow and am just psyched!! More about that later!

A great weekend!!

I got to meet some of my fellow bloggers tonight!

Thank you Scott, Sara, Molly (and Dixie) for sharing the evening with me and swapping diabetic stories!

It was really cool to meet the authors of some of the blogs I like to read. I only feel sooooo bad about stepping on Dixie's tail! :( So sorry about that! Usually I am good about avoiding animals and not stepping on them; the thrill of meeting everyone in person must have distracted me too much.

Taylor's wedding went by so quickly and the day was wonderful and exhausting, pictures to follow. I had a bad low the following morning though that I plan to elaborate on later, I am still trying to work through it myself.

But otherwise this weekend was a total blast!!

Lets do another MN gathering for those who couldn't make it this time, I'm all for it! Oddly enough I haven't met many fellow diabetics and would love the chance to meet more. I think meeting Molly, Sara, and Scott doubled the number of T1 diabetics I have met in person to date. Okay, that isn't entirly true but this is the first time where I have actually felt like I know and will continue to know the peole I met (I went to Camp Needlepoint a looooong time ago but didn't make any D friends that I am still in touch with, or that I even cared to continue to know outside of camp...).

I have a question that I intended to ask the OC group tonight but forgot to so I'll toss it out there to the web: as a diabetic what do you do about drinking alcohol? Do you find it easiest to just avoid it all together? Or do you just test like crazy while drinking? At the wedding this past Friday there were many people drinking, and because I didn't want to risk running low and missing out on any part of the event I just avoided drinking. This conclusion got me many a raised eye brow questioning my logic. While I understand my logic, and I am fine with it, I wanted to know what others do about celebrations where alcohol is consumed and some other tactics than always being the sober cab. So, what works for you when consuming alcohol?? Let me know. :D